This site was started to help me re-frame an unexpected pregnancy after two rather nasty experiences with Postpartum OCD. Turns out that by doing so I not only helped myself but managed to help a lot of other women along the way.
There was a point during my suffering when I dreaded having to retell my story. Looking back I should have just typed the whole thing up and kept copies on hand – kind of like a resume. (Hey – not a bad idea if you end up having to hunt for a decent doctor!) But there came a turning point where my story began to foster a sense of strength and self. Finally I began to bloom.
We’re all at different points on our journey. Some of us are right in the thick of it, some of us a bit further out, others are fully recovered, some have relapsed and are struggling right back out thanks to the path we carved out the last time we fell down. But we are all in it together.
Rather than retype my entire story here (cuz that would take some time!), you can click here to read about “The Day” I was admitted to psych ward. And if you’re brave enough (ie, preferably not in the thick of it or relapsed) you can read another piece I’ve written here about some of the thoughts I had when things were so dark I couldn’t even see my hand in front of my face.
For me and for many others, telling our story or even venting has become a powerful source of personal therapy. It’s a way to just get some of the stress out of our body, our mind, and even possibly work through issues.
So let’s get to just talkin’ here. I want to hear your stories. I want to know what you’ve gone through/are going through. Speak up. We’re here to be supportive, compassionate, and lend our hearts.
I can’t wait to read what you have to share!
I’ve shared here before… I was chatting with my freind earlier via email, and this topic came up…
As I say at the end, the emotions are still very raw for me even though I am two years from my initial event, mentally healthy and off meds, but in therapy!
Reference my PPD ad depression in general:
Yes, I do feel better now… But still sometimes, even my happy days feel like a struggle… And I think the wording there is wrong a little, but I do not know how to put it exactly. Yes, I’m better now, but this sh!† just keeps coming back… And who knows when it (depression) will come back again… And according to all of the “professionals,” it (PPD) will come back. Not to mention the fact that Husband wants me to have another baby, and while most days, of late, I share the sentiment… Days like yesterday (I had a migraine and was physically ill.), when I’m reminded that I’m f***ing nuts, and reminded of the nausea and uncertainties of pregnancy, those days make me want to go straight to the ER and DEMAND that they take out all of my female reproductive organs!!!!
I mean seriously!!!!!! Think about this… Not only did I want to DIE while I was pregnant. I was on the verge of cutting my own abdomen open and taking my baby out at 36 weeks! Had they not sent me to the loony bin that day that I went to the ER and had they sent me home, still pregnant, GOD only knows what may have happened! That final morning before I went to ” ‘B’ Club” Med, I was intent on having that baby taken out of my body. I didn’t go to the ER because I wanted help with what they were calling (and what I see now as my own) mental problems. I was going to the ER so they could take out my baby, and then I could be free to do what I wanted with my own body, and they could save (what I called then) Husband’s precious baby. Because God knows I did NOT want that baby!!! I wanted that alien parasite out of me and I wanted it out of me RIGHT THEN AND THERE…
Fortunately, there was a doctor on staff, who could see that I was obviously a nutter, and she sent me to the psych ward instead of the O.R. …
Do these crazy ramblings that I’m sending you right now really sound like the thoughts of a women, who should ever be allowed to procreate again? I think not!!!! As much as I love Husband, and as much as I would love to give him another child, and as much as I would love to have more children, to love and nurture… Is my sanity a price I want to pay????
Will the baby and/or I make it next time? Will I succumb to the crazy thoughts in my head telling me, “all you have to do is go into the kitchen and get a big, sharp knife and cut open your belly. The baby will be out. The baby will be okay. And then you can call 911 and they will “PROBABLY” be able to save the baby. And if they don’t save you, it’s okay, the world will be a better place without you.”
Seriously???? Does that sound like a f***ing person that needs to have another baby??????
I wrote this in a message to my girlfriend earlier this morning. I’m feeling much better now that I’ve gotten off my chest! (twice now!) ;o) I do want another baby, but everything I wrote above is true too…
I’m glad there is a place I can share! I’m glad that there are other women out there that share. And I’m hopeful, that someone might be helped in knowing they are not alone in this!
You are not the only one who has been through this. PPD (in whichever variety it comes to you) is different for every woman! Mine started ante-partum. I never wanted to hurt my baby, but I didn’t WANT her… and to this day, it still hurts my heart to say that. All is better now! (most days) She is the center of my world!
Be strong! This too will pass!!!
I experienced a very slight version of this – very scary. I’m glad that you’re doing better. It’s great that you’re put a real-world spin on this. It helps people to read about this issue from a human perspective and not just a medical one!