Whatever Wednesday: Too Cold for Wine n’ Jesus


Due to the extreme cold our area experienced yesterday, a real event called Wine n’ Jesus was cancelled last night. This is a very fictional conversation based on the decision to cancel the Wine n’ Jesus event. Enjoy.

INT. LIVING ROOM – MID-MORNING.

COZY LIVING ROOM. GREEN FLORAL COVERED FURNITURE.

PICTURES ON WALL OF CHILDREN AND GRANDCHILDREN. DOILIES EVERYWHERE. CUP OF TEA ON SAUCER ON END TABLE NEXT TO CHAIR.

MARTHA SITS IN THE CHAIR, WRINGING HER HANDS AS THE TV BLARES THE WEATHER FORECAST FOR THE EVENING AT 8 PAST THE HOUR.

SHE STANDS, WALKS TO KITCHEN TO GET THE WIRELESS PHONE.

MARTHA RETURNS TO THE LIVING ROOM, SITS DOWN, SIPS TEA, AND SETS THE CUP BACK DOWN ON THE SAUCER. A CLINK OF PORCELAIN IS HEARD.

SHE PRESSES THE BUTTONS FOR HER CO-CHAIR AND LIFTS THE PHONE TO HER EAR, LISTENING TO THE RINGING AND WAITS FOR HIM TO ANSWER. 

MARTHA

(SHARPLY)

ROGER? Is that you?

ROGER

(clearing throat)

Hullo, MARTHA.

MARTHA (CONT’D)

ROGER, I am worried about the meeting tonight. It is entirely too cold out there.

ROGER

Too cold out there for Wine n’ Jesus? 

MARTHA

Yes, ROGER. Entirely too cold. There is a time and a place for Jesus but we shouldn’t expect people to freeze to death and meet their maker earlier than they are meant to, now should we?

ROGER

For heaven’s sake, MARTHA, it is just a bit of cold. The church has a heater. The power is not out, the roads are not icy, and vehicles have heaters in them. Explain to me why we are cancelling our Wine n’ Jesus. I have the wine already chosen and ready to go. Also, I thought tonight was going to be the Bible Jeopardy night. You know how much fun Bible Jeopardy is once we have all had a bit of wine.

MARTHA

Yes, yes, I know. But ROGER…sometimes, we have to put safety before Jesus, and particularly before wine. I love wine just as you do, ROGER, but tonight it seems we need to put it aside. It is what He would want us to do.

ROGER 

You’re not thinking clearly, MARTHA. There is no danger aside from the frigid cold. Which, from what I understand, you should be quite adept at surviving.

MARTHA

(inhales sharply)

What on EARTH is that supposed to mean, ROGER?

ROGER

Oh you know exactly what I mean, MARTHA.

MARTHA

No, I am afraid I don’t, ROGER.

(she crosses her legs and adapts a defensive seated position)

ROGER

Oh, I’ve talked with Frank. I KNOW how frigid you are, Martha. I know.

MARTHA

(shrieking)

I am not going to dignify that with a response, ROGER. How dare you bring that up in this conversation. Wine n’ Jesus is cancelled. Do you hear me, ROGER? (yelling loudly now) CANCELLED!!!!

ROGER

But MARTHA…

MARTHA

CANCELLED! GOOD DAY!

She hangs up the phone and appears to mumble furiously to herself as she dials the number for the local news station to get the information for the cancellation submitted, pressing the phone to her ear once she is done dialing. 

MARTHA

Hello? Is this where I submit information for cancellations?

OPERATOR

Yes, it is. Name of the event?

MARTHA

Wine n’ Jesus.

OPERATOR

Wine and Cheeses?

MARTHA

(exasperated sigh)

No. Wine n’ Jesus. As in Jesus our Lord, not cheeses as in Brie, Gruyere, and Colby Jack. JESUS. As in the Son of God.

OPERATOR

Oooohhhh. Yes. As in Jesus turned the water into wine.

MARTHA

Well, if that is how your simple mind wants to remember it, yes.

OPERATOR

Excuse me, ma’am?

MARTHA (mumbling)

Oh, nothing. The Wine n’ Jesus event is tonight at 6pm. It is cancelled because of the cold.

OPERATOR

Because of the cold?

MARTHA

Yes, that’s right. What is so difficult to believe about this? It is dangerously cold out there!

OPERATOR

Yes ma’am but it is actually warmer tonight than it was this morni…

MARTHA

Don’t you get all high and mighty on me too, missy. It’s cancelled due to cold. Now put it up on your website so the people know it is too cold for the Wine n’ Jesus tonight, please.

OPERATOR

Yes, ma’am. Is there anything else I can do for you? Pray, refer you to a therapist, give you some wine?

MARTHA

Well, I never… (sighs loudly and pushes the END CALL button)

Martha sinks back into her floral chair, a frustrated look on her face. She slams the phone down, sips her tea. It is now cold.

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