Ebb and Flow

A cold snuck up on me this past weekend. Friday morning I had the sniffles. Chalked it up to allergies. By the end of the day I had phoned my OB’s office to find out what medicines I could take. I felt myself slipping into the downward spiral of the severe blah’s. My eyes hurt, I could hardly keep my them open, my throat was scratchy and sore. And the giveaway of imminent illness – a craving for Chicken noodle soup. I HATE chicken noodle soup and absolutely do not eat the stuff unless I’m sick. I even visited Progresso’s website to make sure they had a decent version. Couldn’t tell though – they just had the names listed, not pictures. Chris picked me up a can on the way home from work. I downed the soup once he got home and went straight to bed at 830p. I should mention that I had been awake since 5a that morning with a runny nose and severe pelvic pain on top of everything else. He also brought me some medicine which I took even before I ate my soup.

I felt better Saturday morning but still had a craving for Chicken Noodle Soup. Odd for me – I never crave anything other than breakfast food in the morning. I even thought about eating the chicken and rice soup we had but I dislike that even more than chicken noodle soup. Took medicine all day Saturday and didn’t really eat much but did keep hydrated. Had a huge italian dinner though. Would have been better if I had cooked it at home but hey, when you’re sick – taste isn’t really a huge factor.

I’m much better now, off cold meds, and the sniffles are mostly gone.

Charlotte started to self-feed over the weekend. It’s been exciting and bittersweet at the same time. I’m starting to go through the emotions of what I felt when I stopped pumping for her. She’s been sitting on my lap in the living room while I feed her so it’s been our “bonding” time. She is still on my lap but as soon as I get the dining room table cleaned off, we’ll start eating at the table. I knew she’d be growing up and I know this is a good thing but it’s still hard. I am so proud of her for how far she’s come – from a cleft palate &  being on an NG tube to a g-tube and now, less than a year after having her g-tube removed, she’s thriving and feeding herself. I couldn’t really ask for a bigger miracle. As for cuddle time, she has taken to picking up books, bringing them to me, slamming them in my lap, and then waiting for me to pick her up and read the book to her. Sometimes we make it through the entire book, sometimes just the first page. Depends on how tired she is when she brings the book to me. *sighs* Motherhood – full of ebb and flow…..

On another note, I purposefully recorded two episodes of Oprah last week. Halle Berry’s interview and Sinead O’Connor’s interviews both got snatched up by the TiVo. Both women said something that really stuck with me and probably wouldn’t have hit me the way they did had I not just experienced the past year and a half I did.

Halle Berry commented on how once you’ve been down in a valley, you learn the way out and when you go there again, you’re able to find the way out faster.  A lightbulb popped on in my head when she said that. Makes SO much sense and was very comforting to hear.

Sinead O’Connor’s comment that struck me was about medications. She stated that her medication provided the scaffolding that allowed her to recover. That when she was sick, it was like a brick here or there would just go missing and crumble. She kept saying that she probably wasn’t describing her experience to the best of her ability but I thought she did a rather fantastic job at making the mental illness journey a concrete image. (She also said that after taking meds the first time, she felt “concrete” filling in the holes…. Sinead has been diagnosed as bipolar)

I’m amazed at how differently I interpret and analyze things now. I am starting to put more of a positive spin on things and when I say something positive to someone in a day-to-day situation, I am somewhat surprised at myself but joyfully so. I am loving laughing more and being sillier with my kids and husband. My mom sometimes doesn’t know what to do with me because I’m even joking with her too now. She’s so not used to that. She’s used to me being serious and sarcastic which is funny to me now because I GOT my sense of humor from HER. She’s always been the one to emphasize trying to find the funny side of a situation. If you can laugh at it, then laugh. And I do try to laugh. If I didn’t, I’d cry, I think. Never been much of a crier though. I tend to hold things in and lash out with anger and irritability. Working on that though – have a feeling that will be a constant work in progress but I’m a LOT better than I used to be – and everyone around me will tell you so.

Gotta run, I hear Alli calling me.

It’s been awhile

I was doing so well there for a bit – posting almost every day. Then Life got in the way.

On Friday, September 21, I found out that I had failed my one hour Glucose test. UGH. Went ahead and scheduled my 3 hour test for Monday the 24th just to get it all over with. After my three hour test, I didn’t feel so hot. I drank three instant breakfasts and ate two bananas before I stopped sweating and shaking. Barely made it through lunch with the girls and then I sacked out for the rest of the afternoon. I laid down on the couch at noon and didn’t wake up until four or so.

Wednesday the 26th was my birthday. On the 27th, we found out that a friend of ours had tragically lost his wife to a drowning accident. I was not doing well at all that evening and have been in a funk this entire week. Her viewing was Monday evening. I went and was prepared to go in, even if it was open casket (I’ve never ever been to an open casket anything). But then I picked up the “In remembrance of” pamphlet only to discover that she had died on my birthday. Well that just hit me like a ton of bricks and I let my husband go in by himself while I waited outside. We had discussed that I hadn’t really made up my mind yet about going in to see her.

I’ve been wanting to call my therapist all week and have been of course doing a LOT of praying. I have therapy tomorrow and can’t wait to go.

Alli’s been up and down this week too with her behaviour – I think she’s feeding off my negative energy and that’s made for a pretty difficult week. Charlotte’s teething too and for added fun she threw up the day before yesterday. Quite the busy week around here.

Chris surprised me last night with a bottle of my favourite chocolate milk in the world. It’s from a quaint dairy named Homestead Creamery in Burnt Chimney, VA, which is near where my family lives. Funny thing is I have YET to visit the Creamery whenever I do make it home but I just LOVE their products. Gotta love the “global” economy.

He also surprised me by getting dinner from a new pizza place nearby called Fox’s Pizza Den. There was one of these in the town I went to college in and I haven’t had their food since college (so it’s been about 7 yrs). He got me their garlic parm wings and half of a pizzaroni sub. YUM! :-) And yes, there has been chocolate ice cream and whipped cream in the house since last thursday. I think that’s a depression food requirement for me. I know, I know, I shouldn’t be eating to be happy but hey, I can work it off later. Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do, right? ;-)

And about my pelvic pain – PT is over so of course I hurt again. My brother graciously bought me a support belt for my birthday so I am anxiously awaiting it’s arrival. In the meantime, I am so sore that I was SUPPOSED to go to the grocery store this morning but being that I can barely walk, that’s out of the question. I go to bed every night hoping that tonight will be the night. Not so far… still waiting. So of course that’s frustrating. What’s really frustrating is that last friday was my last day in the pool and I was out of alignment when I went so I was thrilled to be going. I felt SO much better after going too. Then I got home and during quiet time, I had a tangling up of sorts with a baby gate and a toddler rocking chair. Didn’t fall face first but my legs did get spread out and wham! right back out of alignment. I took some tylenol immediately and prayed a LOT. I did feel better but now, not so much. Chris asked me this morning if there was anything he could do to make it better and I replied – “Yeah, snap your fingers and make it January” nothing happened when he snapped his fingers.

So maybe if we ALL snap our fingers together on the count of three…..




(I’ll be waiting!)

Today is Italian day!

I will be starting up the Italian cooking shortly after the girls go down for quiet time. I can’t wait… I bought ricotta yesterday, don’t really feel up to making it from scratch. I also made sure to buy some parm. we’ve been out and it’s been killing me to eat pasta without parm! And no, I am not Italian – I just grew up in New Jersey – on the east coast and well, there’s a LOT of italian restaurants there and I was raised on the stuff! I could eat Italian all day if given the opportunity. YUM YUM YUM! Bring on the garlic!

As far as my mood, it’s been weird lately. Up and down – Chris has been a little off too though. Don’t know if it’s the weather or what – it FINALLY started to rain. I think my mood can be attributed to being stuck at home all day. The past week I’ve been queasy too so I’m sure that hasn’t helped – and then there’s the whole pelvic pain thing. I’m feeling kind of BLAH. I think tomorrow morning after breakfast, I’ll put the girls into the stroller and we’ll go for a walk. I don’t know how far we’ll walk – probably not that far considering my pelvic pain, but who knows, maybe it will help. Wait a sec – I’ve got PT in the morning. So probably not the best idea to do tomorrow morning. Just have to wait and see.

Ok, OUCH. Alli just cannonballed a beanie baby poodle at me. Can I say OUCH again??? OUCH! She’s now whining and fussing b/c she’s in time out. I warned her not to throw it hard and she failed to listen. Typical three year old, right? *sighs & rubs chin* Beanie Babies are lethal weapons!

Craving Smells??

I am craving a smell. The way my grandmother’s house smelled when she would make her homemade manicotti. I don’t have the recipe… she passed away before I even started high school, long before cooking became a passion of mine. I wish I had the recipe. I wish she were still here… To this day though, I make my manicotti like hers – fresh, homemade crepes instead of pasta, well, that’s about it. I remember that much. The filling is usually fresh homemade ricotta (yes, I know how to do that, it’s really not that hard), and I make a lovely homemade roasted red pepper marinara to go with it. If I’m feeling absolutely ambitious, I make fresh lasagna noodles too. I’d like to learn how to make homemade mozzarrella but I haven’t had the chance (or the guts) to do that yet. I have a feeling that I will be making lasagna this week – don’t have the energy (or back strength) to do manicotti. I could live off Italian food – for life. Give me some pasta, some marinara, and some decent parm and I’d be in heaven. Yeah, I know there’s other italian food out there, it’s not all pasta – but me, I’m in love with pasta. Which is why I would fail oh so miserably on a low-carb diet. My pasta usually goes with french bread and full on full fat butter. (hey, at least we KNOW what’s in butter, right?) YUM!

Yeah, I foresee a trip to the grocery store this evening… and tomorrow is NOT going to be a labor free day. I’ll be stinking the house up with delicious italian aromas!