When is too much really TOO MUCH?

I have often wondered at times, heck, even marveled at women who seem to take on the world and appear to excel in all they do. How do they do it? How on EARTH do they keep up with everything and appear so calm and suave? Even with all that I now do and have been through, I have no idea.

There are days that go just right. No one screams or fusses, no one has an potty accident, don’t have to clean up after the girls (or the dogs), and the day just flows.

Then there are days like today where from the moment that I roll out of bed, it’s all downhill. Breakfast snack wasn’t the right thing, Alli got out of her room and got the ice pops out of the freezer, proceeded to yell and scream and throw fits the entire day to the point of being put in her room and left there so I could calm down before dealing with her zillionth tantrum in two hours. Cameron bit me twice today while nursing so he didn’t nurse much today at all, Charlotte needed to go potty every 5 seconds and of course it was gray, humid, and wet from yesterday’s storms so we couldn’t go outside to play, no TV show was the right one for us to watch, the girls wanted to play with what the OTHER one had – of course! Why would it be any different? Oh, and Maggie almost pooped on the couch right next to Charlotte as we all cuddled up to watch TV that we had actually agreed on! *sighs*

I know the whole nursing/supplementing thing is getting to me. It was so hard not to blame myself. After all, I have been Cameron’s ONLY source of food since birth. How do you not blame yourself? And now that we’re weaning (even though I’ve decided to keep nursing as long as he’s interested even with the formula), I know I’ve got a whole ‘nother issue with the prolactin and hormones coming ’round. To be honest, last Monday I was pissed. Pissed because I had finally been doing really well again – had been happy, confident, cheery – more than I had been in quite some time and then WHAM! the whole issue with Cameron and POP goes my happy bubble. I felt guilty about being pissed over my happy bubble being popped. I mean, c’mon – I should be concerned about my son – and I was, I am – but instead there I was, moping about my happy bubble. Everyone kept telling me that I couldn’t blame myself that there was a myriad of reasons that he wasn’t doing well – to which I replied – Yeap, got the flow chart in my head already, you’re not telling me anything new. I almost made the flow chart. Thinking that may have been a bit over the top.  I moved through my emotions on Monday pretty quickly, or so I had thought. I am so hoping this is PMS and not PPD that’s been lying in wait, ready to pounce at the first sign of honest vulnerability. I’ve got a lot going on elsewhere too and as crazy as it sounds have been so busy that I haven’t even had time to do a to-do list. It’s on my mental to-do list to do a to-do list (try saying THAT three times fast) but I just haven’t gotten around to doing it. i’ve got to otherwise this is just not going to get any better and I will become even more lost in the forest of tasks that seem to be springing up around me, especially if I keep having days like today.

I feel like a deflated clown punching bag after a state fair.

Just toss me in the corner and leave me to be covered in hay and dirt and Lord only knows what else.

I’m pissed. I’m apathetic. I’m just well – here. I don’t really want to be awake but not quite ready to go to sleep yet. I can’t think of a darn thing to cheer myself up besides coming here and just letting it all hang out in naked honesty. I need to pray. I need to go lay down and read the Bible and find my answer there.

Hey – Chris is listening to the radio on his computer and it’s my favourite uplifting song – Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield. Starting to feel better already. :-)

Here’s to hoping tomorrow will be a better day. It has to be. Alli will be starting music camp so she’ll be gone from 9a – 12n every morning through Friday. I’m ready for another break.

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Mozzarella in the Toaster?

Let me start out by saying that yesterday was perfect. No problems at ALL with the girls – I didn’t have to discipline either one of them even once. I was also up at five a.m. and able to get to them before they got out of their room. We had also received a YogaKids DVD in the mail and they did that three times – yes, my kids did 90 minutes of yoga yesteday! :-)

 

This morning however – complete opposite. I set my alarm for 6, thinking it wouldn’t matter – WRONG. I overslept until nearly 7 and as soon as I opened our bedroom door and made it far enough out to see the kitchen, I knew we were in trouble. The closer I got to the kitchen, I could smell something but didn’t place it until I got into the kitchen and felt the top of the toaster. Hot. So I asked Alli (who was still in the kitchen) what she had put in the toaster. She responded with “Cheese.”

“And then I put it in the sink to cool it off!”

Um, well, hey, at least she can think, right? (Apparently a little too well)

(Oh, and for those of you who are wondering, yes, we have a tremendously loud alarm on their gate. And no, it didn’t go off – because Alli dragged Charlotte’s bed over to the gate and proceeded to bypass the gate entirely by climbing OVER and dropping down into the kitchen. Welcome to my life with my kids)

So today is going to be one of those days again.

I refuse however, to let this define my attitude today.

I refuse to be dragged down into the murky depths of anger and depression because of this.

That WILL not happen.

I am giving this all to the Lord and am going to rely on my faith in Him to get me through this. Because frankly, if I try to deal with this on my own, I will break and that won’t be good for anyone.