A love letter of sorts


Dear #PPDChat Mamas,

I know yesterday was all sorts of hard for some of you.

That it was particularly hard for one of you in particular.

Just as last time, we rallied around you. We loved you. We tried to protect you and keep you safe. We did what friends do when they see a friend struggling. They reach out to anything they can in order to keep the car from crashing. To keep the crisis from escalating. We were not alone in our reaction. You are loved. By so many. You matter. To us. To others. To your children. To life. You.MATTER.

I am sorry if we upset you. But you see, it was out of love. It was out of caring. It was with good intention. I realize these are just words. That they may not change how you feel about what so many of us did together yesterday to SAVE YOUR LIFE.

To those of you who did what you could to save a life, do not place blame on yourself for the outcome. For the reaction. You did the best you could with what you had at the time. You rose above what most would ever do when faced with someone who so clearly stated suicidal intent. You bravely ran toward the crisis screaming STOP, gathering an army along the way.

The reaction? The outcome? Is not yours to own. It is hers and hers alone. You can still love her. You can still care for her. But she must process what happened to her in her own way even if that means walking away from us, walking away from Twitter. She needs to own that, not you. I’m not saying it will be easy. I’m not saying anyone is right or anyone is better. I’m just saying that all of us are only responsible for the behaviours of ourselves, not of others. As long as you know in your heart you did the best you could with what you had at the time and it was with good intention, rest easy. You’re not responsible for the outcome. It’s hard to let go. It’s hard to let someone else own their behaviour when you feel you had a hand in causing it. But right now? Let go. Breathe. Know we have done every thing we possibly can to help. And now? It’s time to breathe. It’s time to let ownership lie where it may.

We’ll still be here should she ever decide to come back. With arms full of love, hearts open and willing, and minds free of judgment. I hope she does come back. In the meantime though, I wish her all the best. I wish her healing, peace of mind, and a stop to the downward spiral she feels stuck in at the moment. I know it’s dark there, we all do. Don’t ever forget you are loved. And don’t EVER forget that YOU.MATTER.

We love you. No matter what.

Love,

Me

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12 thoughts on “A love letter of sorts

  1. I have to chime in. I cannot remain silent. I cannot/should not point blame for what has happened, that was wrong of me. I do believe lines were crossed. I said one thing in a DM. Something that I’ve probably said a dozen times. I tried to take it back. I tweeted, let people know I was ok, posted a picture from the beach for goodness sake.

    The being pulled over, being frisked, handcuffed (all this at the boardwalk while families were walking by looking at me like I was some kind of criminal)….all over the top. OVER. THE. TOP. I was on my way home. I tweeted to say that. I was within three miles of home when the cop with the better than thou attitude said he was BAKER ACTING me.

    I spent the night in solitary. I had to beg for my meds for the night. I had to explain this misunderstanding.

    Those of us with Depression and Bipolar? We know what it feels like to want to die. Saying we WANT to and saying we are GOING to are two different things.

    I appreciate the reaching out, I do. I am sorry Kim for the way I handled the “after-the-fact”. You did what you thought was right in the moment. But I honestly think you could have tried harder. You called me ONCE. My phone was dying. I cannot DM from my phone without it eating up the battery. It’s a suck-ass phone.

    I deleted my Twitter account. Will I continue to blog? I don’t know.

    Thanks to all of you for your concern. Kim, please don’t dwell. What’s done is done. Grudges are not within me at the moment. Am I mad? Yeah, but I still love your face. I just need some distance.

    xoxox

    Pamela

  2. Thank you, Lauren, for speaking what is in my heart.
    I am sending love, courage, and healing thoughts to all who need it. You are loving, inspirational, wonderful people who have done all you can to help one of us who is hurting. For that, I can never thank you enough.

  3. Perfect love letter. Loving someone in crisis is all kinds of hard and absorbing their pain is natural. The hardest part is releasing your own hand and realizing that they are the ones, the only ones, that control the next move. The outcome can be devastating, but it is not yours to own. We have no control over someone’s free will no matter how hard we try. Sometimes your screams may not be heard, sometimes your love will not be felt. Just know you did all you could and though that is little comfort, it may be all you have.

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